Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.