my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Every photo I’m tagged in
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live