my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
🍂🕷️🍂
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.