Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

just having fun

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?