Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave