Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me