My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
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Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.