“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two.
My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken.
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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
*skips away in terror
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Unicorns have one horn and everyone says “ooh they’re so magical” Cow’s have 2 horns & no one cares even though they taste so much better