ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two.
My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken.
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I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.
On 2. Go!
YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.
Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Neighbor: Your husband is a talker.
N: Your husband. He has a story for everything.
M: Oh, I wouldn’t know.
M: I stopped listening to him in 2003.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*