Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
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Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
#CoronaOutbreak
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories