@thenatewolf

My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two.

My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

@heatherlou_

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

@shariv67

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

@DaddyNick

Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.

On 2. Go!

Football parenting

@suntzufuntzu

YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.

@iGreenMonk

Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.

@OusaMedousa

Neighbor: Your husband is a talker.

Me: Mmm?

N: Your husband. He has a story for everything.

M: Oh, I wouldn’t know.

N:

M: I stopped listening to him in 2003.

@iamspacegirl

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

@ArtConDee

Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*