My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
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Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas