My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
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Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi