my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
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it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I’m not lazy
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”