Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

This is my emotional support knife.

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.