my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’