My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My fantasy football season is going great
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
