My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
