My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
gentlemen, hear me out
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
