Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?