My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
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Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*