Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice