My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
They’re really bad with fonts.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.