My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
You Might Also Like
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”