Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.