Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.