Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

Monday

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add