Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

me as a parent

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

You look like you would fail a DNA test

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?