My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
