Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.