My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
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“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?