Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe