Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne