Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

your honor my client chooses dare

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?