My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
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If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Spring of Deception
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Finished stitching this today 😇
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.