My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut