Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you