My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
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“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.