“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Tuesday
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Good morning ☺️
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?