you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox