My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.