Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…

I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool