“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
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me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
gentlemen, hear me out
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
me logging onto twitter
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories