My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
You Might Also Like
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?