Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.