My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
You Might Also Like
what does he know…
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)