My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
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[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.