Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.