My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
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Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Pickled cat.
Bruh
