My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
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Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
my dog when i have a friend over
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️