My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
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Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a