Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

The little toadstool has spoken.

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Monica just destroyed the internet

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

My guardian angel deserves a raise

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him