My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
You Might Also Like
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
British people be like I’m Bri ish
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.