Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

*swipes right on my hand mirror

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then