Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

going to the ER y’all need anything

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

Made something I’m not proud of

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.