My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
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You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
☠️
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.