My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing