Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

This is always good for a laugh.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.