My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
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Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything