My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
You Might Also Like
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
How all things should be taught/explained.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Lmfao
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
✌🏽
