Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

My patience has stretch marks.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do