My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
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[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I think about this cartoon a lot.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Need this in my life lol
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs