Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Lmfaoooooo

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

To see more unmatched reporting, visit

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own