My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Every haunted house movie:
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
This is the one
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.