My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”