My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I feel attacked.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes