Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.