Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”