My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
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Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.