My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
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I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
sensitive skin
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
TRAIN’S HERE
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron