Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?