Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.