My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
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That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
