My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Truly one of the great bangers
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
twitter users today:
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.