My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
You Might Also Like
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Noah was an idiot.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?