My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
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I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me