Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.