my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I know karate and tons of other words.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa