my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
very niche meme I made
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Just parrot things
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.