My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.