My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
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Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.