My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
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The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.